Making friends as an adult | Daybreak Note #211 | September 13, 2021
It does feel harder, but it's not impossible! Here are 3 helpful steps to new friendships.
Good morning, dear!
On the first day of school, my son leapt off the bus with a giant smile on his face. He had made a new friend! “He was wearing a Yankees hat!” he proclaimed. Clearly, Yankees anything = signal of a new friend. (For some of us, it would be an Orioles anything, but that’s a different thread.)
As a mom, I was glad to hear the friend report.
As a grown-up still making friends myself, I’ve found it fascinating to watch, in these small tidbits, the act of making new friends in childhood.
Each day, he seems to come home and report a new friend. They are everywhere! On the bus! In class! Spotted in the hallway!
The thrill of making a new friend is still the same.
But from the view of a grown-up, the process feels vastly different.
Each day in school (well, in the usual days of school; I realize this year is sadly upside-down in many places), kids are tossed together with potential friends at every moment. And if you didn’t say hello at math, you could say hello at recess, or at music, or at lunch. Or tomorrow! Or the next day!
For grown-ups, we might cross paths once a week with a new friend, waving as we walk the neighborhood, or smiling to someone behind us in line who looks like they are nice. Or we might just see someone once. Work is the daily exception, but with so many offices remote, friendships there feel harder, too.
Here’s my formula for making friends as a grown-up:
1) Swap phone numbers or emails as soon as you can. You think you’ll see her again at the next book club meeting or Scouts event, but maybe not. And then what? It can feel so awkward to ask, but if you don’t, the door closes. Something nice and genuine, non-creepy: “Hey, would you be up for coffee sometime? Could we swap phone numbers?” Or “I really enjoyed chatting with you. Could we trade email addresses? It would be great to stay in touch.” It sounds so simple, but I think sometimes adults are surprised to hear other adults ask to stay connected, to say out loud something akin to, I think we could be friends.
2) Follow-up & ask about schedules. And follow-up soon — say, in the next few days. That new phone number won’t grow a friendship on its own. I cringe at how many times I’ve missed this step. What feels natural that week will feel a bit odd in 6 months. (Who is this person in my contact list again?) Sometimes I’m not sure right then what time would even work to meet up, so I hold off, and then weeks or months accidentally go by. But I’ve learned a trick: Ask about their schedule. This is especially helpful if the friend is local. Where do your schedules overlap? You don’t even have to propose a specific time; just seek out the info. “Hey there! It was great to meet you the other day at the bus stop. When are some good times generally for a chat or walk? Some good times for me are generally 8-9 a.m. weekdays and in the evenings, around 7-8 p.m. Also, early on weekends!” The magic really happens when you both discover where the good times overlap. Maybe it’s lunch on Wednesdays, or a walk early on weekdays, or a hike on Saturday mornings. It feels impossible to crack the friend code without knowing their free times. And then, impromptu meet-ups become easier, too.
3) Persistence. I can’t emphasize this enough. You have to keep trying if your schedules don’t align, and you have to keep making time to reach out to connect. It can take a half-dozen attempts! Don’t give up! Keep trying! (If the person clearly isn’t interested, that’s another thing entirely. But if they express sincere regret at your invite time not working out again, don’t take it personally — just offer to ask again later and do it.) It also takes time after time after time to build a friendship. Imagine how many hours of hangout time and conversation you had with your best friends in school to create those lifelong friendships. Mind-boggling. And yet, it’s still possible now. Like everything good in life, you have to put in the time and the effort.
Where are your new friends? They might not be in a Yankees cap, but they are there, lingering, across the street or baseball field, on your daily walk, in the bookshop, at the next pew over, the friend of the friend of the friend at a picnic. They are likely looking for new friends, too.
May your week be filled with the start of new friendships and connections with long-time friends, too.
With love,
Brianne